I need to begin, that I'm not a writer!! So I will apologize now. in fact if not for spellcheck, you would see how truly bad it is. :) Well honestly there our a million things that fuel my why when I really dig down and think about it. but at the time it was a few specifics. I have never been a huge exercise person. I married into a "freakishly" strong and talented active family. So naturally I would ride the bike, run, "train" but all for fun, nothing that I really just HAD to do. And I would exercise so I could eat what I want (still a great and one of my whys :) but I never did it for health or because I knew it was good for me. Yeah good for "some" people, but I wasn't one of those people. :) I'm going to give you a little background here. 4&1/2 years ago I started feeling tired more, less motivation, hormones going all over the place, and I just couldn't figure out why. I had started working again after I hadn't been for a couple years, and my baby, Stockton was just 6-7 months :( so I assumed, I must be just a working mom!:) of course I'm going to be exhausted at the end of the day! We also had a "changing of the guards" we would call it, where Trevor worked graves mon-wed and so he would go in at 6pm to 6am and then I worked from 8am to 5pm.... We had someone to watch the boys for the first 4 hours so Trevor could try to sleep but then he had the kids during the day, then I would get home and have them during the night! Lol a hectic schedule and I look back now and not sure how we did it, or even how he did it to be honest. He had 3 jobs and was going to school when he built a lot of our home. I'm amazed honestly all the time that we lived through that time like it was nothing!! (Hahaha I'm getting off the subject a little but I believe everything led up to this one point for me) So back to tired a lot more and hormones all over the place. I went to my general doctor and he said let me give you something that will help even you out and get you feeling good as new again! So I immediately thought, ok a temporary solution! Now I LOVE my doctor!! Especially for delivering my babies and when I'm prego. But he is a general doc and I made the mistake of always taking the easy way out with a pill then to make him dig deeper. Just to clarify, I'm not placing any blame anywhere else. :) well he put me on fluoxetine, which is the generic for Prozac. I can honestly say I had no idea I was on Prozac! I thought he had given me a vitamin, thats how naive I was and really had not taken any pills in the past either, even over the counter stuff, I wasn't much of a pill popper unless I had to. I still remember playing soccer and I had shin splints and someone saying why don't you take ibuprofen and then pulled out a bottle that had an assortment of pills and thinking holy crap! Hahaha ironic now that I keep that "trail mix" in my purse. (As one if my friends call it) :) so I took it, not doing any research, because I don't need to I thought. And after 4-5 months thought, oh yeah I'm feeling good, I don't need this anymore, and quit cold turkey. I kept receiving these letters in the mail from my insurance saying how important it was to refill my prescription. I remember laughing with Trevor saying "they think I'm some crazy person!" Lol also now ironic. :) well I think less then a year went by and I started feeling it again, thought maybe I should refill my "vitamin". So I Call the doctor and talk to a nurse and say, "hi, I need to get a refill for my fluoxetine." She's like, "oh yes for your Prozac?" And I was all, "no no I'm not on Prozac. I was taking fluoxetine." She, pause, "um ok. Yes I will have the doctor call you." Lol my mistake! You better believe I read up on everything now!!! :) almost too much! Any who so I started taking my Prozac again, and in the process noticed I was getting worse anxiety and also gaining weight, blah. And I would try to work out even, and would throw up. I was so tired and physically exhausted so my doc gave me phentermine, which is amazing and highly addictive!! I think I'm immune to it now or they took out the good stuff because it doesn't work the same, lol, and is SO not healthy! At this point I was looking for the quick fix because its what I grew accustom to and was a lot easier and faster for a busy working mom, so when the anxiety increased, he gave me an anxiety pill, clonazepam, to take when needed. I played this game for a couple years but felt like I was literally only functioning on meds. Took an upper through the day, and a downer to sleep! I was a wreck! Not to mention I could literally drink an energy drink before bed and still pass out. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me except I must just be a working mom and this how it's going to be. Which is true, but what I was experiencing was not normal. So I randomly started producing milk from my bosoms ;) and thought well that's weird, and happen to take Stockton in for a drs appt and asked the PA "hey my son is 2, should I be able to get milk out still" I hadn't even breast fed Stockton for long so I was totally shocked. The PA asked if I got migraines. Which I had just happened to have one of the worst I'd ever had the night before and had called in to get a migraine pill. So I told him yeah, so he said let's do some blood work while your here and also depending on that I'm going to schedule you am MRI because I think you may have a tumor... "I'm sorry a what?" Turned out to not be so scary, but I still remember thinking wHat the?! Normal day now I'm having blood work and might have a pituitary tumor! Now with my headaches, I was at the time having a dull headache just about every day and a migraine 2 times a month. I knew my grandma had suffered with migraines and my dad so I just assumed it was hereditary. Migraines, we are talking at times I would pop loritab, and a percuset, and this was after I had already taken the max dose of Ibprophen,Tylenol, and excedrine, and still nothing would touch it. I would just sit up and cry in pain, while Trevor would try to convince me to take me to the hospital and I would assure him I was fine and it would eventually go away. (Ps now I'm such a wuss when it comes to headaches lol) but I did this thinking it was normal! Long story short it turns out that I had a pituitary cyst. A lot less scary then a tumor and I also had hypothyroidism, an inactive thyroid, where basically my thyroid thinks it's a disease and starts attacking itself. A very common thyroid problem, but you have to take meds to help the thyroid function correctly. They originally thought that my pituitary cyst was the cause of my thyroid not functioning. I went to an endocrinologist who confirmed that they were two separate problems and we would have to treat for both. They couldn't really see what my pituitary cyst was doing or affecting so I would just have a yearly MRI to make sure it wasn't growing or if any new symptoms came up then I would relay it to my endocrinologist. They started treating my thyroid and I would take my blood once a month's for the first year to try to regulate and to get me on the right prescription dose. It turned out to be not any serious problems but problems that had been affecting my weight gain. Had been affecting my hormones. Had been affecting my mood swings and even my headaches. I was so surprised at once my thyroid started being regulated that my headaches were pretty much gone! I didn't need my migraine pills I was hardly ever having headaches, where I was having them on a daily basis! Which explains why I'm such a wuss now when I do get a headache!! :) AnyWho there is a lot to tell but basically all these symptoms that I'd been having probably in the year before this was all contributed to my thyroid and pituitary. if you look up the thyroid and the pituitary,they are your bodies master glands and control a lot of your hormones, weight control, moods, you name it!!! so I was amazed when I started regulating and fixing the problems how I started getting better! It was nice to be able to know how to fix some things! The problem is it is an ongoing problem, and has to be regulated regularly. Going back during this time and in fact the same day that I found out I may have a pituitary cyst, my dear brother-in-law Clint Jepperson found out he had leukemia AML which was a fast-moving cancer and it spreads fast and moves through your bloodstream and your bone marrow. I still remember getting that phone call and thinking what is going on? And I still remember feeling like Why is mine so not severe and not a big problem like I had first imagined and they had thought surgery even ect, and thinking why is his so severe and why can't I take at least half of his so that we can both just maybe be sickies for a while but we could both get better!! I remember praying to make mine more severe if I could take part if his away and his could get better and that I would willingly take it!! But that's the funny thing about life lessons and unfortunately we have these lessons to learn from and we don't get to control the outcome or control what it is we are meant to learn. :( Not to make light on a very serious time and subject, To keep this post short, he fought a hard fight for 10-11 months till the cancer claimed his life. I watched my sister-in-law Amy make choices in her life, choice after choice, and decisions that no one person should EVER have to make in one lifetime! She was and still is to me this symbol of strength that when I think I can't, I look to her, and I look to them and their example and think she sure as hell can, so you better damn well! ;) I love you Amy! On the same day that we lost Clint, one of my close cousins, Alan Allred, was in a horrible car accident where the car lit on fire upon the force of impact, and burned 80% of his body 60% of it being intense 3rd degree burns, life-threatening. He had swelling on his brain and he would never wake up, so he left us that same day! I think I was just in shock. Here I was literally saying good-bye to Clint, and getting phone calls of updates on Alan and then he would also pass. I even told Clint, while your up there could you search him out and help him out? He's going to need some good support. :) tender yet difficult mercies to be able to say good-bye! I'm not sure what's worse! Through wing mortuary literally went to funerals back to back. Sunday evening was Clint's viewing and then Monday was his funeral then Monday evening was Allans viewing and then Tuesday was His funeral. By the end I was physically and emotionally exhausted and didn't want to talk to anyone. I was 14 weeks pregnant at the time. And with this pregnancy I had been sick, nauseated probably most the time already starting to show this being my third pregnancy. that same week, that Thursday I had a doctors appointment and was so excited to hear the baby's heartbeat. I was just ready to have some happy news!! When I went in, I noticed the doctor was having a hard time getting a clear Sound of the baby's heartbeat. he kept checking my pulse and then listening again. he then told me that the baby's heartbeat was a little slower than normal which I had noticed as well because I'm so used to that butterfly sound :) I could tell it
Didn't sound quite right. he proceeded to tell me this happen sometimes and sometimes it can be slower a little slower and go back-and-forth and even stop but that this is sometimes normal and not to worry but that he wanted to do an ultra sound to double check. He wasn't worried about doing the ultra sound that very day so I was worries but not that worried. I cried the whole way home from my appt, but thought at least it has a heartbeat, so really thought I would be dealing with a child with health problems if anything. Because of Trevor's work schedule and I of course wanted him to be there for the ultrasound it wasn't till five days before we would have the ultrasound. during that five days I had my 30th birthday which was an awesome amazing day and yet I remember at the end of the day feeling like something was different and something had changed immensely but I wasn't sure what. It's my belief that's when I lost our baby, and I was given this little glimpse of peace, I think her saying good bye see you soon, as she went back home. One of those tender mercies! Now I never found out the gender and was planning to at the ultra sound because it put me at 15-16 weeks so I knew the gender had formed. I regret not having the ultra sound tech look but was so in shock. It's just my personal belief and because of different things that had happened that I believed it was a girl and even think that the tender spirit just needed a body, but has other work on the side (probably to fight for and push this mommy) but that she will be mine again someday, I hope! :) again I don't totally know and just sharing my feelings with you so take it as you want! I Remember the ultrasound tech putting the wand on my belly and pushing at the baby and I remember thinking somethings wrong and that my baby was gone. :( so I then asked her If it dead and she nodded and said yes U had lost the baby.
(Hopefully these pics don't haunt you. But you can see the baby has formed and is a baby! Makes me look at abortion in a new light as well :()
I remember just trying to wrap my head around it. I was expecting to find out that the baby had health problems but I hadn't prepared myself to hear I had lost it. I had been so sick and was already showing! It just didn't make sense. Which I'm sure the baby did have health problems and that's why my body had decided to terminate the pregnancy meaning that's why I had lost it and was getting ready to miscarry. I was right on the border with how far along I was, that they gave me three options. I could choose to have a DNC where they basically go in and suck everything out, this is the safest way best way so that you don't have cramping and bleeding after or I could choose to make you choose to miscarry the baby naturally which scared the crap out of me! the thought of me just walking around and then all of a sudden lose this 15 week baby! Or lastly they could induce labor and I could deliver my baby. I asked my doctor what the best option was and what he felt like I should do and so I went with the DNC. They scheduled the DNC for the next day and I was in the hospital and asked the nurse if I could see the baby after the procedure was done, because I had no clue what a D&C , and she kind of looked at me almost like I was aborting my child on purpose, and said "it comes out in pieces so you can tell what it is!" I just lost it!! I wondered if I was doing the right thing, even now I almost regret my choice but know that I made the best one, if that makes sense. Well after I bawled to my doctor and Trevor chewed him out I know that my doctor must have chewed her out because this nurse then came in and was kind with a lot better bedside manner. but it was after that, after losing my baby, something just snapped. I kind of lost it mentally, emotionally, physically. Not to mention my body went from thinking it was pregnant, I was hormonally and physically prego to not being pregnant at all! My thyroid whacked out because I was Taking extra medication because the baby took most of my thyroid meds so it whacked out completely! I was just really kind of lost and a mess and pushed people away during this time. To make a long story short, I decided that I needed something to look forward to on my due date, August 27th. I signed up for an all womens 5k in alpine. Luckily I had a great friend and neighbor Carrie Mosley who ran with me and paced me. Running became my serenity! My mental vice, and I just needed to pound it out to feel better about myself! At the time I wanted to have another baby and I knew that I didn't want to have a baby until I was healthy and not taking any meds for my "hormones" or my anxiety or depression or what not, I knew that I probably could never stop taking thyroid meds, but I wanted to be healthy! I wanted to control the outcome of my pregnancy the best that I possibly could!! My sisters in law Jenny and Lacey actually ran that first 5K with me and were there for me emotionally and physically, bless their hearts.
They didn't run really even run but wanted to make sure I didn't do it alone :) and I will forever be grateful to them for that, for that special day to be there for me and still continue to be there for me! That's one thing through everything, I really do have the best family!! On both sides, I couldn't ask for better! I'm not sure how or why I lucked out, but I owe my family my life! They have literally saved mine, many times! That's when I know there Is a God, a Heavenly Father, that this all couldn't be by chance! He knows me so well!! :) Sorry for the long post and probably many of you have stopped reading even, I don't blame you at all, but it was that next year following that I became the healthiest I've ever been!! I didn't change a lot of my eating necessarily but I ran 5 1/2 marathons last year and did my first century ride and my first Ragnar run!!!
I had never been healthier and this last December went in for My annual MRI and my pituitary cyst had shrunk or even gone which I call The cyst William, that's another story. I name my "lumps"in my body so that I don't feel so weird about them being there! :) but I contribute that to a healthy year of physical exercise! I only stopped because I stopped training so much and just deciding I could run a half marathon without training, that maybe I did have some Dorton in me after all and I was an unstoppable machine, and injured my knees good on the Halloween haunted half! Last year I want needing meds for my emotions as much, and my thyroid had leveled and was even fixing itself! I realized that my emotions had been playing a huge toll on my physical health!!! So that became my why!! I always said that the physical changes it made on my body were just a plus!! :) since injuring myself I've slipped back into this unhealthy state! My emotions are whacked, My hormones are whack, I started bleeding every day and had to be on the hormone supplement for that, my thyroid continues to be all over the place and my anxiety has never been worse which is causing a lot of breakdowns as well because I have so many ups and downs and so I've decided that I HAVE to be active again for my mental health and my sanity!!! I have to do it for my family to be a better mom! I have to do it for my spouse who has stood by me through the craziness to be a better wife!! But also for me, because I am totally worth it!! :) But I realized that maybe there were other people out there just like me that maybe need the extra help or extra push, heaven knows we've spent the money on classes, and videos, and diets to help us be healthy, and so we all have the knowledge but yet not maybe the motivation so we keep spending the money to help get that motivation when there is a lot of us out there and we can help motivate each other and be a strength for each other. I don't know about you guys but I don't have the money to spend any more on classes, trainers and diets. Especially for them to tell me what I already know. Don't get me wrong I am thankful for people out there teaching it but during this time I just don't have the money or the resources to be able to take those classes or courses. So in a BIG A' nutshell this is my why and my hope is we can all help each other some how and some way, even if its just encouragement to keep going!! I am sick of as women and as a society that instead we just beat down on each other because were not as good as another, when really we all feel the same and we all just want that encouragement and help to be better!!! :) so this week we really start! Come if you want and you can. Follow and do on your own if you can't. Start up and invite groups where you are located of that's easier, but let's support one another! And be kind to one another! Like that story I posted, we all have our "silent signs" we re wearing! And I don't mind sharing if I know it can help just one person feel not alone!! I promise not all posts will be this long either, I just wanted to give a little background to my reasonings behind why I want and NEED to do this!! :)
